What if I end things Now?

Years ago, as I lay on the hospital bed, tired and worn out, I thought of ending things.

"Why suffer every day when I can just suffer once and put an end to it forever?" 

Then I watched my mother sit beside me, silently praying while she thinks I'm sleeping.

She checks my medications and stands in long queues to buy me pills doctors prescribe. 

And I'd think - "Maybe after she passes, I'll end it! She wouldn't bear losing me to my own mind! Not after she fought with me to survive the cancer".

The cancer's long gone, and I sit alone at night, unable to sleep.

And I'd think, "I should just do it now".

I'd think, "Maybe after I travel the world"

If my life was a movie, I'd walk out after the first 30 minutes. But the movie lasts a whole 2 hours.

So what if the first 30 minutes were boring, depressing? You have the rest of your movie!

If the protagonist kills herself, that would be a terrible ending.

So the protagonist waits, before ending her life.

She comes up with a plan. She puts it last on her list.

"Maybe after learning French and German"

"Maybe after petting a lion cub"

"Maybe after jumping out of a plane"

"Maybe after coloring my hair rainbow"

"Maybe after visiting Kilimanjaro" 

"Maybe after buying mom a diamond ring" 

The list goes on.

Maybe after all the things I get to do, ending my life wouldn't even be on the list.

But now, I must survive my mind!