What if I end things Now?

Years ago, as I lay on the hospital bed, tired and worn out, I thought of ending things.

"Why suffer every day when I can just suffer once and put an end to it forever?" 

Then I watched my mother sit beside me, silently praying while she think I'm sleeping.

She checks my medications and stand long ques to buy me pills doctors prescribe. 

And I'd think - "Maybe after she passes, I'll end it! She wouldn't bare losing me to my own mind!Not after she fought with me to survive the cancer".

The cancer's long gone, and I sit alone at night, unable to sleep.

And I'd think, "I should just do it now".

I'd think "maybe after I travel the world"

If my life was a movie, I'd walk out after the first 30 minutes. But the movie lasts a whole 2 hours.

So what if the first 30 minutes were boring, depressing? You have the rest of your movie!

If the protagonist kills herself, that would be a terrible ending.

So the protagonist waits, before ending her life.

She comes up with a plan. She puts it last on her list.

"Maybe after learning French and German"

"Maybe after petting a lion cub"

"Maybe after jumping out of a plane"

"Maybe after coloring my hair rainbow"

"Maybe after visiting Kilimanjaro" 

"Maybe after buying mom a diamond ring" 

The list goes on.

Maybe after all the things I get to do, ending my life wouldn't even be on the list.

But now, I must survive my mind!