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What if I end things Now?

Years ago, as I lay on the hospital bed, tired and worn out,I thought of ending things. "Why suffer every day when I can just suffer once and put an end to it forever?"  Then I watch my mother sitting beside me, silently praying when she thinks I'm sleeping. She checks my medicine and stands long ques to buy me pills doctors prescribe.  And I'd think - "Maybe after she passes, I'll end it! She wouldn't bare if she loses me to my own mind after she fought with me to survive the cancer". The cancer's long gone, and I sit alone at night, unable to sleep. And I'd think, "I should just do it now". I'd think "maybe after I travel the world" If my life was a movie, I'd walk out after the first 30 minutes. But the movie lasts a whole 2 hours. So what if the first 30 minutes were boring, depressing? You have the rest of your movie! If the protagonist kills herself, that would be a terrible ending. So the protagonist waits,b...
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The Dog advice

My dog barks all night!
"Why won't you sleep at night?" - I ask, irritated
"Why don't you?" - he talks back
Horrified, I sit back!
He notices that I don't sleep at night too? Is he judging me? 

"Why would I judge you?" - he says, reading my mind - I'm your dog! You could eat dirt and I'd still think you're the coolest person"
That's a relief, although I might eat dirt infront of him to check if he's lying. I kind of have a problem with honest compliments... I worry if that's just a plain lie.
"So do you keep thinking about what life would be like after 10 years?" - he asked
"Not tonight, I'm not" - I said
"You think how everyone around you have it all figured out, and you just feel claustrophobic to even think about committing to something!" - he asked.
"You shouldn't attack me like that at 2 am" - I said,my eyes tearing up.
"You think you're a shell of a person! No genuine feelings for anyone. You constantly think of running away instead of facing your biggest fear, of being sick again! " 
"But what if it is true? What if I don't feel anything besides anger and despair?" - I said, looking for reassurance.
"But what if it isn't ? What if we stop comparing everything to other people? They have their time and you, your's!" He said, licking my face.

"Yeah! Maybe you are right. Maybe we will be okay!" 
"Can we go for a walk now?" 
"It's literally 2... fucking...am..Go to sleep" 
"Well.. atleast I tried"- he wagged his tail.

"So...do you still think I'm cool?" - I asked.
"Eat some dirt" - he went on barking into the Abyss.

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